I knew it couldn't last forever. Everything was going great. No complications, no nausea, no diarrhea, a little bit the opposite way, but nothing a little Activia couldn't fix. I've had stalls, but they don't last forever, my sleeve is doing its job making sure I don't overdo it, I've been walking regularly and feeling great. I have not felt hungry in two months.
And then... ugh. Then I washed my hair this morning and had clumps of hair falling out. I knew this was coming. It typically starts in the third month post surgery. I enter the third month tomorrow. I'm right on track. I was really hoping to avoid this part, but very few people do. I know it's temporary, and it's not like I'm going to lose all my hair (dear lord, I hope not, anyway), but it still sucks.
I need to color my roots. They're too dark, and I have far too many gray strands coming in. I fear, however, that even more hair will fall out if I pump it full of chemicals, so I'll just have to deal.
So. My first real complaint. Is it enough to make me regret my decision? Hell fucking no. I don't like it, but I sure like the 44 pounds I've lost. I love how good I feel, how I don't lose my breath walking up the steps to my apartment, how my car is easier to steer now that my big belly isn't in the way of the steering wheel anymore.
Yep. Still the best decision I've ever made.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Still here
I have been awfully quiet lately, but no news is good news. Everything has been smooth sailing, 41 pounds gone already, blood pressure is awesome, and I have a lot of energy.
My one complaint is not being able to eat and drink at the same time, and especially having to wait at least 30 minutes (though for me, it's more like an hour) after eating to be able to drink something. 30 minutes is the guideline from my nutritionist, but that's usually too soon for me.
I just got done eating, and I'm so freakin' thirsty right now. All I want to do is guzzle some ice cold water, or even just sip some, but it'll hurt if I do. Argh. It's a minor thing obviously, considering the benefits of surgery, but right now is the worst it has been, so I'm being whiny. Maybe I'll try sucking on an ice cube. Oh! I still have some SF popsicles left! That should help, and I don't think it'll hurt. Score!
My one complaint is not being able to eat and drink at the same time, and especially having to wait at least 30 minutes (though for me, it's more like an hour) after eating to be able to drink something. 30 minutes is the guideline from my nutritionist, but that's usually too soon for me.
I just got done eating, and I'm so freakin' thirsty right now. All I want to do is guzzle some ice cold water, or even just sip some, but it'll hurt if I do. Argh. It's a minor thing obviously, considering the benefits of surgery, but right now is the worst it has been, so I'm being whiny. Maybe I'll try sucking on an ice cube. Oh! I still have some SF popsicles left! That should help, and I don't think it'll hurt. Score!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Little Sleevie Wonder strikes again
On my way home from seeing New Moon today, I stopped by a little nearby grocery store for some soup. They have a good selection, so it was a big decision, but I chose the butternut squash soup. Maybe not the best choice, as there's little to no protein in it, but I figured I could just add some dried milk to it.
I bought the smallest container for obvious reasons, and also because I don't know the nutritional value, so I don't want to eat it for more than one meal, two at the most.
The soup was so very yummy. After my first bite, I was all, "I'm going to eat it all for sure. So good!" I was certain I would be able to eat the entire eight ounces, and honestly, I was pretty excited about it. It turned out not to be the case. I started feeling full after three spoonfuls. Three! I shoveled a couple more spoons in, but still ended up eating only about a quarter of it before I was stuffed. I thought soup was a slider food!
Now, it may seem as though I'm complaining, and I can't deny that I was a little disappointed not to be able to eat more of the yummy soup, but there are other meals, and mostly I just wanted to say once again how much I love my sleeve. It really does its job!
I bought the smallest container for obvious reasons, and also because I don't know the nutritional value, so I don't want to eat it for more than one meal, two at the most.
The soup was so very yummy. After my first bite, I was all, "I'm going to eat it all for sure. So good!" I was certain I would be able to eat the entire eight ounces, and honestly, I was pretty excited about it. It turned out not to be the case. I started feeling full after three spoonfuls. Three! I shoveled a couple more spoons in, but still ended up eating only about a quarter of it before I was stuffed. I thought soup was a slider food!
Now, it may seem as though I'm complaining, and I can't deny that I was a little disappointed not to be able to eat more of the yummy soup, but there are other meals, and mostly I just wanted to say once again how much I love my sleeve. It really does its job!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Restriction rocks!
Every evening, I plan my meals for the next day. My main goal is to make sure I get at least 60 grams of protein a day. Beyond that, I'm trying to take in around 600 calories and fewer than 50 grams of carbs.
I've tried some different proteins in the past few days, and have found that I'm not ready for dense protein yet. I can only take a few bites before I'm full, and it's leaving me without enough protein and calories for the day.
I went back to softer food, but with the amount I can eat, I don't get enough protein if I eat three food meals a day. I decided on food for breakfast and dinner, and protein shakes for lunch and snacks.
That's all well and good, but when lunch time came today, I didn't want a shake. Hmm. What to do? I know the way my brain works, and figured I would make my dinner for lunch, then have the shake for dinner, and I wouldn't have a choice then, so I would be fine with it. It's not that I was hungry for lunch, I just wanted food. Without the choice for dinner, my brain would accept it.
However. I made my lunch (1/4 cup refried beans with reduced fat cheese, salsa, and a dollop of Greek yogurt), and was full after three bites. I'll finish the rest of it for dinner, I still have to fit the shake in somewhere, and I didn't lose any protein, nor did I lose or gain any calories, and I still get food for all three meals. Score!
I love my sleeve!
I've tried some different proteins in the past few days, and have found that I'm not ready for dense protein yet. I can only take a few bites before I'm full, and it's leaving me without enough protein and calories for the day.
I went back to softer food, but with the amount I can eat, I don't get enough protein if I eat three food meals a day. I decided on food for breakfast and dinner, and protein shakes for lunch and snacks.
That's all well and good, but when lunch time came today, I didn't want a shake. Hmm. What to do? I know the way my brain works, and figured I would make my dinner for lunch, then have the shake for dinner, and I wouldn't have a choice then, so I would be fine with it. It's not that I was hungry for lunch, I just wanted food. Without the choice for dinner, my brain would accept it.
However. I made my lunch (1/4 cup refried beans with reduced fat cheese, salsa, and a dollop of Greek yogurt), and was full after three bites. I'll finish the rest of it for dinner, I still have to fit the shake in somewhere, and I didn't lose any protein, nor did I lose or gain any calories, and I still get food for all three meals. Score!
I love my sleeve!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Midway through the third week
I'm not doing very well keeping up with this blog. I want some sort of documentation of my process, so I need to get better.
I had a bad day yesterday when I weighed in and had somehow gained two pounds. Why the face? I'm assuming it was water retention, because I can't possibly gain weight when I'm eating 600 calories a day. So that sucked. I'm going to let a few days go by and weigh myself again Wednesday to make sure the number is going in the right direction.
I'm eating soft solid food now. I can easily tell the difference in restriction as opposed to liquids and purees. I can't take much more than a few small bites before I start to feel full. Little Sleevie Wonder is definitely doing his job. I can't eat a whole scrambled egg. I, and sorry if this starts to get gross, couldn't finish two shrimp. I almost did, but I ended up spitting out the last bite instead of swallowing it. I'm terrified of the slimies.
I've learned that I can't have liquids near me when I eat, otherwise I'll mindlessly take a drink. Yeah, learned that one the hard way. Ouch. Watching the clock to make sure I stop drinking half an hour before eating can be annoying, but I understand why I have to do it, and now I've experienced the consequences of drinking while eating. I don't plan to do it again.
I still haven't felt any real hunger, though I did experience some head hunger over the weekend. It was nothing a good fanfic couldn't cure. Thankfully it hasn't come back since. I think it was in response to being able to eat regular food for the first time. My foody brain was all, "Mmmmm... food! We should eat more. Yum!" And my stomach was all, "Yeah, you go ahead and try that. I bet I can change your mind." Then my Edwardy brain was all, "Hey! Clipped Wings and Inked Armor just updated!" Then I read and by the time I finished the chapter is was time for a protein shake and all was well.
Speaking of, it is time for a protein shake now.
I had a bad day yesterday when I weighed in and had somehow gained two pounds. Why the face? I'm assuming it was water retention, because I can't possibly gain weight when I'm eating 600 calories a day. So that sucked. I'm going to let a few days go by and weigh myself again Wednesday to make sure the number is going in the right direction.
I'm eating soft solid food now. I can easily tell the difference in restriction as opposed to liquids and purees. I can't take much more than a few small bites before I start to feel full. Little Sleevie Wonder is definitely doing his job. I can't eat a whole scrambled egg. I, and sorry if this starts to get gross, couldn't finish two shrimp. I almost did, but I ended up spitting out the last bite instead of swallowing it. I'm terrified of the slimies.
I've learned that I can't have liquids near me when I eat, otherwise I'll mindlessly take a drink. Yeah, learned that one the hard way. Ouch. Watching the clock to make sure I stop drinking half an hour before eating can be annoying, but I understand why I have to do it, and now I've experienced the consequences of drinking while eating. I don't plan to do it again.
I still haven't felt any real hunger, though I did experience some head hunger over the weekend. It was nothing a good fanfic couldn't cure. Thankfully it hasn't come back since. I think it was in response to being able to eat regular food for the first time. My foody brain was all, "Mmmmm... food! We should eat more. Yum!" And my stomach was all, "Yeah, you go ahead and try that. I bet I can change your mind." Then my Edwardy brain was all, "Hey! Clipped Wings and Inked Armor just updated!" Then I read and by the time I finished the chapter is was time for a protein shake and all was well.
Speaking of, it is time for a protein shake now.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Puree stage
When I started this blog, the idea was that I would have a place to piss and moan about pain or hunger or whatever. The thing is, I really don't have anything to whine about.
I stopped taking pain medication two days after surgery. I didn't need it, and it was blurring my vision. I haven't had any pain. My incisions occasionally are uncomfortable, but that's mainly the fault of my cat, who is always walking on me.
Eating has been good as well. I thought the week of liquids would be torture. It wasn't. I found some good protein shakes, had some soup, and had to remind myself to eat. It was fine.
This past Saturday started my week of purees. Sounds kinda disgusting, but I'm actually enjoying my pureed food. I started off with refried beans with some melted reduced fat cheddar. It was delicious. I made four meals out of one can of refried beans, and I didn't get sick of it.
I'm eating pureed peaches with fat free cottage cheese once a day, also yummy. Last night I tried some instant mashed potatoes with reduced fat cream of chicken soup as gravy. It was very good, but at first I could only get about two tablespoons down. I heated it up a little later and was able to get another couple of tablespoons down, but I don't think I'll try that again any time soon.
Depending on what it is, I usually can eat anywhere from 1/4 to 1/2 cup at a time. The peaches and cottage cheese goes down really well with 1/4 cup of each. I tried half a cup of chili for lunch, and was full about halfway through.
It's going to take some time before I get used to serving myself just a small dollop of food. My eyes might literally be bigger than my stomach now. I tend to start with half a cup because I just can't fathom that a quarter cup will be enough. For the most part, it is plenty. Maybe even too much. For instance, my meal plan suggests a snack of 1/4 cup of hummus. I ended up eating one tablespoon instead. That's not to say I won't have another tablespoon of hummus later, because I fucking love hummus, but even then, it'll still be half of the suggested serving.
Taste-wise, I've enjoyed the pureed food I've tried so far. Quantity-wise, I'm not feeling deprived at all. I get full quickly, and I'm never hungry. Ever.
As of yesterday, I was 14 pounds down from my weigh-in right before surgery, and 28 pounds total since starting the pre-op diet. So cool! I want to keep weighing myself every morning, but that will only lead to frustration. I'll try to keep it to once a week. It'll be twice this week, but that's because I'll be weighed when I see my nutritionist Thursday morning.
All in all, I'm loving my sleeve!
I stopped taking pain medication two days after surgery. I didn't need it, and it was blurring my vision. I haven't had any pain. My incisions occasionally are uncomfortable, but that's mainly the fault of my cat, who is always walking on me.
Eating has been good as well. I thought the week of liquids would be torture. It wasn't. I found some good protein shakes, had some soup, and had to remind myself to eat. It was fine.
This past Saturday started my week of purees. Sounds kinda disgusting, but I'm actually enjoying my pureed food. I started off with refried beans with some melted reduced fat cheddar. It was delicious. I made four meals out of one can of refried beans, and I didn't get sick of it.
I'm eating pureed peaches with fat free cottage cheese once a day, also yummy. Last night I tried some instant mashed potatoes with reduced fat cream of chicken soup as gravy. It was very good, but at first I could only get about two tablespoons down. I heated it up a little later and was able to get another couple of tablespoons down, but I don't think I'll try that again any time soon.
Depending on what it is, I usually can eat anywhere from 1/4 to 1/2 cup at a time. The peaches and cottage cheese goes down really well with 1/4 cup of each. I tried half a cup of chili for lunch, and was full about halfway through.
It's going to take some time before I get used to serving myself just a small dollop of food. My eyes might literally be bigger than my stomach now. I tend to start with half a cup because I just can't fathom that a quarter cup will be enough. For the most part, it is plenty. Maybe even too much. For instance, my meal plan suggests a snack of 1/4 cup of hummus. I ended up eating one tablespoon instead. That's not to say I won't have another tablespoon of hummus later, because I fucking love hummus, but even then, it'll still be half of the suggested serving.
Taste-wise, I've enjoyed the pureed food I've tried so far. Quantity-wise, I'm not feeling deprived at all. I get full quickly, and I'm never hungry. Ever.
As of yesterday, I was 14 pounds down from my weigh-in right before surgery, and 28 pounds total since starting the pre-op diet. So cool! I want to keep weighing myself every morning, but that will only lead to frustration. I'll try to keep it to once a week. It'll be twice this week, but that's because I'll be weighed when I see my nutritionist Thursday morning.
All in all, I'm loving my sleeve!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I did a bad thing...
... but it worked out, so I think it's ultimately a good thing.
I was prescribed an acid blocker, but I can't start taking it until Saturday. It's a big capsule that's too big for me to swallow, so I have to wait until I can eat things like applesauce, so I can sprinkle the insides of the capsule on it. Until then, I was advised to take a liquid OTC antacid to protect my banana until I could start taking the good stuff.
I've been taking Maalox, but it really doesn't work anywhere near as well as my OTC Prilosec. I'm not supposed to take the OTC Prilosec, because the pill is bigger than a baby aspirin and it might get stuck. But I felt confident that I could swallow it in such a way that it went down the long way rather than the wide way.
I probably shouldn't take such chances, but I did, it went down fine, and now my banana will be protected from acid, rather than just having the acid masked by chalky Maalox.
I was prescribed an acid blocker, but I can't start taking it until Saturday. It's a big capsule that's too big for me to swallow, so I have to wait until I can eat things like applesauce, so I can sprinkle the insides of the capsule on it. Until then, I was advised to take a liquid OTC antacid to protect my banana until I could start taking the good stuff.
I've been taking Maalox, but it really doesn't work anywhere near as well as my OTC Prilosec. I'm not supposed to take the OTC Prilosec, because the pill is bigger than a baby aspirin and it might get stuck. But I felt confident that I could swallow it in such a way that it went down the long way rather than the wide way.
I probably shouldn't take such chances, but I did, it went down fine, and now my banana will be protected from acid, rather than just having the acid masked by chalky Maalox.
Could've been worse
My teeny tummy had no disagreement with the tomato soup, so that was nice. Was it yummy? No, not really. I was hoping for "Mmmmmm... tomato soup." (which now has me thinking about Joey's, "Mmmmmm... noodle soup.")
Anyway.
I didn't say, "Mmmmm... tomato soup." It was more along the lines of, "Hmmmm... warm ketchup?" Not so savory. Still, it was something other than a protein shake and a little heartier than broth, so it wasn't all bad. It just takes so freakin' long to finish. An hour later, I still hadn't eaten the entire half-cup of soup, and I was sick of heating it up, so I decided I was done.
I'll have more for dinner tonight, though, because I already opened the can and I don't want it to go to waste. I never before believed labels that claimed there were four servings inside, but now I understand.
Anyway.
I didn't say, "Mmmmm... tomato soup." It was more along the lines of, "Hmmmm... warm ketchup?" Not so savory. Still, it was something other than a protein shake and a little heartier than broth, so it wasn't all bad. It just takes so freakin' long to finish. An hour later, I still hadn't eaten the entire half-cup of soup, and I was sick of heating it up, so I decided I was done.
I'll have more for dinner tonight, though, because I already opened the can and I don't want it to go to waste. I never before believed labels that claimed there were four servings inside, but now I understand.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Change in tastes
I was warned before surgery that I shouldn't stock up on any protein shake brand or flavor just because I liked it before surgery. Now I understand why. I've found one powder flavor and two brands of ready to drink shakes that I can't drink now, all of which I tried and liked well enough when I was on the pre-op diet.
And it's not that I just don't like them. Well, the Atkins shakes were more along the lines of just not liking them, but the other two were absolutely disgusting to me. Seriously. I gagged just at the smell of the Unjury powder, and the Muscle Milk tasted like smoke. So nasty.
For the most part I've been OK with the samples of Nectar, although the tropical punch flavor I tried this morning didn't work for me at all.
Tonight I'm going to try tomato soup. Real, actual tomato soup. I've been a little nervous about incorporating actual food, but it's time. I'm not getting enough calories on protein powders and broth, plus I need to see how my banana reacts to other liquids before I move on to the next phase. I'm hoping I haven't suddenly stopped like tomato soup.
Besides the wasted protein drinks, my only other complaint right now is cabin fever. I want to do something, but I was advised to stay close to the couch for the first week. I understand why. With the combination of recovering from surgery and living on about 300 calories (if that) a day, I get tired really quickly. Just a walk to the mailbox and back left me lightheaded. Which is why I'm going to try tomato soup tonight. Even 100 extra calories would be helpful.
And it's not that I just don't like them. Well, the Atkins shakes were more along the lines of just not liking them, but the other two were absolutely disgusting to me. Seriously. I gagged just at the smell of the Unjury powder, and the Muscle Milk tasted like smoke. So nasty.
For the most part I've been OK with the samples of Nectar, although the tropical punch flavor I tried this morning didn't work for me at all.
Tonight I'm going to try tomato soup. Real, actual tomato soup. I've been a little nervous about incorporating actual food, but it's time. I'm not getting enough calories on protein powders and broth, plus I need to see how my banana reacts to other liquids before I move on to the next phase. I'm hoping I haven't suddenly stopped like tomato soup.
Besides the wasted protein drinks, my only other complaint right now is cabin fever. I want to do something, but I was advised to stay close to the couch for the first week. I understand why. With the combination of recovering from surgery and living on about 300 calories (if that) a day, I get tired really quickly. Just a walk to the mailbox and back left me lightheaded. Which is why I'm going to try tomato soup tonight. Even 100 extra calories would be helpful.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Slow news day
When I started this blog, I thought it would be a good place to whine and complain about the pain I was in or how hungry I was. Maybe that's coming, but so far, I have only positive things to say about my surgery and the after effects. I still have no hunger. There's a tiny bit of discomfort when I bend certain ways, so I avoid that. If I drink too fast or take too big of a drink, I get chest pain, but again, it's easy to avoid that.
If I have anything to complain about, it's that I can't drink as quickly as I'd like to, and I'm kind of bored. I want to get out and take a long walk or hop on the treadmill, but my surgeon advised me not to get too far away from my couch for the first week. I was encouraged to walk often, but not much and not far at first, because I'll lose my energy really quickly. That makes sense. I'm only taking in about 300-400 calories a day, if that. And I'm still not getting as much liquids as I need to, so I need to be really aware of symptoms of dehydration.
I'm excited to say that I finally weigh less than I did when they weighed me right before surgery. It's typical to gain several pounds after surgery because of all the fluids pumped into me. It was fun to finally feel like I'm losing. I'm going to try really hard to not be a scale addict. Once a week should be sufficient. I'll be weighed when I go in for my check-up on Friday, so I'm going to try to stay away from the scale until then.
For now I'm going to keep wandering around my apartment for 10 minutes every hour, maybe venture outside for a few minutes, drink my water, finish my breakfast protein shake, do some laundry, and probably nap later.
If I have anything to complain about, it's that I can't drink as quickly as I'd like to, and I'm kind of bored. I want to get out and take a long walk or hop on the treadmill, but my surgeon advised me not to get too far away from my couch for the first week. I was encouraged to walk often, but not much and not far at first, because I'll lose my energy really quickly. That makes sense. I'm only taking in about 300-400 calories a day, if that. And I'm still not getting as much liquids as I need to, so I need to be really aware of symptoms of dehydration.
I'm excited to say that I finally weigh less than I did when they weighed me right before surgery. It's typical to gain several pounds after surgery because of all the fluids pumped into me. It was fun to finally feel like I'm losing. I'm going to try really hard to not be a scale addict. Once a week should be sufficient. I'll be weighed when I go in for my check-up on Friday, so I'm going to try to stay away from the scale until then.
For now I'm going to keep wandering around my apartment for 10 minutes every hour, maybe venture outside for a few minutes, drink my water, finish my breakfast protein shake, do some laundry, and probably nap later.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Poor little kitty
When I wake up in the middle of the night these days, I like to take my temp and drink some water. Since I can only sip, it takes me a little bit of time. I give myself 15 minutes to drink a few ounces, while I wander around my apartment. My cat is not at all accepting of this. He's OK with me getting out of bed to go to the potty or to quickly gulp down some water, but this 15 minutes thing is not working for him at all. He cries and cries and cries until I go back to bed. He really doesn't like anything getting in the way of kitty kuddle time.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Day 3
Today has been an exciting day for me. The best thing was that I got to take the dressings off of my incisions. Not so thrilling on its own, but taking the dressings off meant I was allowed to take a shower. Yay! That was a nice shower.
I also moved from clear liquids to full liquids. I was living on water, Crystal Light, and popsicles, so it was nice to be able to drink something that has nutritional value.
The suggested meal plan has six small meals throughout the day. I'll have to work up to that. I was able to get to three of them, and I'm still working on the third. It turns out that a four ounce protein shake takes me about two hours to finish. Yikes. It'll improve as I move forward, but there's no way I'll meet my protein needs for the day. I'll end up with about 45g of protein. I'm supposed to get at least 60g. It'll happen eventually, but it doesn't look good for today.
My meals for today have been a protein shake for breakfast, sugar-free pudding thinned with milk for lunch, and another protein shake for dinner.
I'm not going to hit my goal for liquids today, either. I'm trying, I really am, but I feel full really quickly, and I'm afraid I'll burst my banana if I try to swallow more.
I still have zero hunger... I don't even have head hunger. Food commercials do nothing for me. An hour or so ago, someone tried to deliver a pizza to me (he had the wrong apt.), and I wasn't at all disappointed that I couldn't eat it. I'm sure eventually it'll come back, but for now I'm loving this lack of appetite and especially the lack of head hunger. Head hunger is what got me into this mess in the first place.
I went through most of the day without any pain medication. I wouldn't be a good drug addict at all. I can't stand the blurred vision that impedes my ability to read. Yuck. I did eventually take some, because a couple of my incisions were bothering me. Beyond that, I do feel a little bit of pain when I bend or twist certain ways, but following the surgeon's order of "if it hurts, don't do it" takes care of that quite nicely.
The other exciting thing from today is that I pooped! Twice! The first one was a big surprise, as I hadn't eaten anything in 72 hours, so I didn't think there was anything in there. The second time was after I'd had a protein shake, so that seemed normal. I also learned, to no surprise, that liquids in equals liquids out. Fun!
That was my eventful day. It may not have been exciting, but the fact that I feel this good two days after surgery is something to celebrate, even if I celebrate by going to bed early.
I also moved from clear liquids to full liquids. I was living on water, Crystal Light, and popsicles, so it was nice to be able to drink something that has nutritional value.
The suggested meal plan has six small meals throughout the day. I'll have to work up to that. I was able to get to three of them, and I'm still working on the third. It turns out that a four ounce protein shake takes me about two hours to finish. Yikes. It'll improve as I move forward, but there's no way I'll meet my protein needs for the day. I'll end up with about 45g of protein. I'm supposed to get at least 60g. It'll happen eventually, but it doesn't look good for today.
My meals for today have been a protein shake for breakfast, sugar-free pudding thinned with milk for lunch, and another protein shake for dinner.
I'm not going to hit my goal for liquids today, either. I'm trying, I really am, but I feel full really quickly, and I'm afraid I'll burst my banana if I try to swallow more.
I still have zero hunger... I don't even have head hunger. Food commercials do nothing for me. An hour or so ago, someone tried to deliver a pizza to me (he had the wrong apt.), and I wasn't at all disappointed that I couldn't eat it. I'm sure eventually it'll come back, but for now I'm loving this lack of appetite and especially the lack of head hunger. Head hunger is what got me into this mess in the first place.
I went through most of the day without any pain medication. I wouldn't be a good drug addict at all. I can't stand the blurred vision that impedes my ability to read. Yuck. I did eventually take some, because a couple of my incisions were bothering me. Beyond that, I do feel a little bit of pain when I bend or twist certain ways, but following the surgeon's order of "if it hurts, don't do it" takes care of that quite nicely.
The other exciting thing from today is that I pooped! Twice! The first one was a big surprise, as I hadn't eaten anything in 72 hours, so I didn't think there was anything in there. The second time was after I'd had a protein shake, so that seemed normal. I also learned, to no surprise, that liquids in equals liquids out. Fun!
That was my eventful day. It may not have been exciting, but the fact that I feel this good two days after surgery is something to celebrate, even if I celebrate by going to bed early.
Day 2
Not a lot happened the day after surgery. I wasn't allowed to shower yet, boooo. I had to go back to the surgical center to get pumped full of fluids.
While I was getting set up to get my fluids, a guy was placed in chair next to mine, separated by a wall. He somehow drank three liters of fluids the same day he had surgery. I got in maybe one liter, though I don't think it was quite that much. He was praised for that. I was reprimanded for drinking out of a bottle and for something else. I can't remember what it was, now, but I know there were two reprimands. It was probably about pulling out my IV line.
I raced with the guy next to me to see who would finish their fluids first. I won! I won because she found a good, big vein in my arm. If I hadn't yanked out my IV, it would have been in my hand and would have taken quite a bit longer. Plus, I was constantly pumping pressure onto the IV bag to make it go more quickly.
I did very little the rest of the day. I wanted to read fanfic, but my vision was blurred all day. Sad. I was able to watch TV, so I caught up on a couple of shows.
In addition to water and popsicles, I tried a cup of sugar-free Jello as well. One of those little cups that you get in a six pack took me about two hours to eat.
My fluid intake was pathetic. I need to do better, but it's so difficult. I feel full after just a few sips, and I'm afraid of hurting my banana if I take in more.
I only woke up once in the middle of the night, so that was a definite improvement over the first night.
Pretty boring.
While I was getting set up to get my fluids, a guy was placed in chair next to mine, separated by a wall. He somehow drank three liters of fluids the same day he had surgery. I got in maybe one liter, though I don't think it was quite that much. He was praised for that. I was reprimanded for drinking out of a bottle and for something else. I can't remember what it was, now, but I know there were two reprimands. It was probably about pulling out my IV line.
I raced with the guy next to me to see who would finish their fluids first. I won! I won because she found a good, big vein in my arm. If I hadn't yanked out my IV, it would have been in my hand and would have taken quite a bit longer. Plus, I was constantly pumping pressure onto the IV bag to make it go more quickly.
I did very little the rest of the day. I wanted to read fanfic, but my vision was blurred all day. Sad. I was able to watch TV, so I caught up on a couple of shows.
In addition to water and popsicles, I tried a cup of sugar-free Jello as well. One of those little cups that you get in a six pack took me about two hours to eat.
My fluid intake was pathetic. I need to do better, but it's so difficult. I feel full after just a few sips, and I'm afraid of hurting my banana if I take in more.
I only woke up once in the middle of the night, so that was a definite improvement over the first night.
Pretty boring.
Surgery day
I'm two days out from surgery now, and it feels like a good time to tell the story.
My surgery was scheduled for 7:30am, so I had to be there by 6:30am. Mary and Lori were with me, and we got there a little early, so we had to wait out in the hall until someone realized we were there and unlocked the door.
I did not pass go, nor did I collect $200. I was immediately let in for prep. Of course the first thing I had to do was step on the scale. The nurse, Beth, was awesome. She said, "Take a good look at that number, because you'll never see anything like it again."
Once I was weighed, I had to put on my hospital gown, hair cover, and booties with tread. The only thing I was allowed to have on under this was socks. At first I wasn't sure how the gown went on, but they had cute directions on the wall which said, "Remember, rated G in the front; rated R in the back." Hee!
After that she had to start an IV for me and take my vitals. I sat in a very comfortable reclining chair and was covered with warm blankets that felt like they were just taken out of the dryer. My blood pressure and pulse were surprisingly low for the anxiety I was feeling.
I was left for a few minutes while fluids, antibiotics, and more anti-nausea stuff was pumped into me. Soon after, Dr. Landerholm, my surgeon, came to talk to me for a bit, then the anesthesiologist. He explained a bunch of things to me, letting me know the risks of anesthesia and also some of the things that would happen. For example, he reminded me that I would have a breathing tube in my throat, but it would be inserted after I was under, and taken out before I woke, so I wouldn't remember it, but I would have a residual sore, scratchy throat. He also dumped some anti-anxiety something or other in my IV bag for me, so that was nice.
Lori sat with me for a little bit, but I'm really not sure at what point that happened.
Finally the time came to go to the surgery room. I remember getting myself onto the surgery table, some nurses tugging my gown off, the anesthesiologist saying he was going to give me a little more of the anti-anxiety stuff, which I'm assuming was the actual anesthesia, because I remember nothing else until I woke up in recovery.
The surgery was uneventful, which, of course, is the kind of surgery you want. I rocked the pre-op diet. I lost 14 pounds on it, plus the surgeon complimented me on my beautiful liver. Hee!
I was a little sore, but not in any real pain. When the nurse realized I was awake, she went to get Mary and Lori, so I would have someone there, and so they could see I was OK. Soon after, Dr. Landerholm showed up and said, "There it is! They (Mary and Lori) asked how they would know you were OK, and right there (pointing at the big grin on my face) is what I told them to look for."
I can't tell you how long I stayed there in recovery, because I was still groggy from the anesthesia, but it wasn't that long. Soon, the nurse shipped Mary and Lori out to move the car closer to the door, then helped me to get dressed. I got a little impatient and ended up pulling out my IV line as I tugged my shirt on. That wasn't a good thing, because I had to go back in the next day to get more fluids pumped into me.
I rested and walked around my apartment for the rest of the day. They wanted me to get at least 60 ounces of fluids in, which was laughable for me. I maybe got 30 ounces in. I felt full after just a couple of sips. Sugar free Popsicles were the easiest for me to get down, but I tried to get as much water as I could.
I did take my pain medicine regularly. What I was feeling was really more discomfort than pain, but the stuff really helped with the discomfort. Unfortunately, it blurs my vision, so I want to stop taking it, but I was advised to keep taking it for 72 hours. Still, it's been twelve hours since my last dose, and I'm fine. Yeah, there's some discomfort and cramping, but I have the feeling this is the dreaded gas I was warned about.
Surgery day was completely uneventful. I drank as much clear liquids as I could, took my medicine, took my temperature a million times (fever is a sign of a leak), and went to bed early. I did have a bit of a reflux issue once, but it wasn't bad, and I just have to take some Maalox to deal with it until I get to purees, then I'll be able to take my prescription acid blocker. It's a big capsule that I won't be able to swallow (can't take pills bigger than a baby aspirin), but I can break it apart and sprinkle the insides in some applesauce.
I was up every two hours or so during that first night. Drank what I could, sucked on some popsicles, took my temp, walked around, and eventually went back to sleep for another couple hours.
Oh, I forgot to mention, that I was home by 11:30am. Every other place I looked into had at least an overnight hospital stay, and some had a two night stay. I loved that I could spend the day comfortably in my home. I did have to go back in the next day to get more fluids pumped into me. No big deal. It went faster than expected, and now I don't have to go back in until my one-week check-up.
So far, so good, no regrets at all.
My surgery was scheduled for 7:30am, so I had to be there by 6:30am. Mary and Lori were with me, and we got there a little early, so we had to wait out in the hall until someone realized we were there and unlocked the door.
I did not pass go, nor did I collect $200. I was immediately let in for prep. Of course the first thing I had to do was step on the scale. The nurse, Beth, was awesome. She said, "Take a good look at that number, because you'll never see anything like it again."
Once I was weighed, I had to put on my hospital gown, hair cover, and booties with tread. The only thing I was allowed to have on under this was socks. At first I wasn't sure how the gown went on, but they had cute directions on the wall which said, "Remember, rated G in the front; rated R in the back." Hee!
After that she had to start an IV for me and take my vitals. I sat in a very comfortable reclining chair and was covered with warm blankets that felt like they were just taken out of the dryer. My blood pressure and pulse were surprisingly low for the anxiety I was feeling.
I was left for a few minutes while fluids, antibiotics, and more anti-nausea stuff was pumped into me. Soon after, Dr. Landerholm, my surgeon, came to talk to me for a bit, then the anesthesiologist. He explained a bunch of things to me, letting me know the risks of anesthesia and also some of the things that would happen. For example, he reminded me that I would have a breathing tube in my throat, but it would be inserted after I was under, and taken out before I woke, so I wouldn't remember it, but I would have a residual sore, scratchy throat. He also dumped some anti-anxiety something or other in my IV bag for me, so that was nice.
Lori sat with me for a little bit, but I'm really not sure at what point that happened.
Finally the time came to go to the surgery room. I remember getting myself onto the surgery table, some nurses tugging my gown off, the anesthesiologist saying he was going to give me a little more of the anti-anxiety stuff, which I'm assuming was the actual anesthesia, because I remember nothing else until I woke up in recovery.
The surgery was uneventful, which, of course, is the kind of surgery you want. I rocked the pre-op diet. I lost 14 pounds on it, plus the surgeon complimented me on my beautiful liver. Hee!
I was a little sore, but not in any real pain. When the nurse realized I was awake, she went to get Mary and Lori, so I would have someone there, and so they could see I was OK. Soon after, Dr. Landerholm showed up and said, "There it is! They (Mary and Lori) asked how they would know you were OK, and right there (pointing at the big grin on my face) is what I told them to look for."
I can't tell you how long I stayed there in recovery, because I was still groggy from the anesthesia, but it wasn't that long. Soon, the nurse shipped Mary and Lori out to move the car closer to the door, then helped me to get dressed. I got a little impatient and ended up pulling out my IV line as I tugged my shirt on. That wasn't a good thing, because I had to go back in the next day to get more fluids pumped into me.
I rested and walked around my apartment for the rest of the day. They wanted me to get at least 60 ounces of fluids in, which was laughable for me. I maybe got 30 ounces in. I felt full after just a couple of sips. Sugar free Popsicles were the easiest for me to get down, but I tried to get as much water as I could.
I did take my pain medicine regularly. What I was feeling was really more discomfort than pain, but the stuff really helped with the discomfort. Unfortunately, it blurs my vision, so I want to stop taking it, but I was advised to keep taking it for 72 hours. Still, it's been twelve hours since my last dose, and I'm fine. Yeah, there's some discomfort and cramping, but I have the feeling this is the dreaded gas I was warned about.
Surgery day was completely uneventful. I drank as much clear liquids as I could, took my medicine, took my temperature a million times (fever is a sign of a leak), and went to bed early. I did have a bit of a reflux issue once, but it wasn't bad, and I just have to take some Maalox to deal with it until I get to purees, then I'll be able to take my prescription acid blocker. It's a big capsule that I won't be able to swallow (can't take pills bigger than a baby aspirin), but I can break it apart and sprinkle the insides in some applesauce.
I was up every two hours or so during that first night. Drank what I could, sucked on some popsicles, took my temp, walked around, and eventually went back to sleep for another couple hours.
Oh, I forgot to mention, that I was home by 11:30am. Every other place I looked into had at least an overnight hospital stay, and some had a two night stay. I loved that I could spend the day comfortably in my home. I did have to go back in the next day to get more fluids pumped into me. No big deal. It went faster than expected, and now I don't have to go back in until my one-week check-up.
So far, so good, no regrets at all.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Less than 12 hours away
So yeah. I'm panicking a little. Scared about the surgery, nervous the anesthesiologist won't clear me for surgery, afraid I'll be the 1% who has complications, and this may sound trivial compared to the other things, but I have vomit anxiety.
I have an anti-nausea pill and an anti-nausea patch, but people still often throw up quite a bit the first couple of days after surgery. Not everyone, but enough that it makes me nervous. I hate throwing up (does anyone like it?), but I'm terrified that it'll somehow hurt my new teeny stomach, like it'll spring a leak or something. Ugh.
Honestly, there is a tiny part of me that wonders if I'm doing the right thing. For the post part, I believe this is the best decision, but there's that scared little voice saying, "You've stuck to the pre-op diet so well, you haven't craved carbs, you never once had to talk yourself down from the ledge of ordering a pizza. Just lose the weight on your own!" Sigh.
I know that's not the problem, though. I can lose 50 pounds like a pro. But I can also gain back 70 like an all-star. I need this tool to help me keep it off. The complication risks exist, but they're small. I have a much better chance of developing full-blown diabetes than I do of having a leak.
Still, it's scary. It's 8pm here. If all goes as planned, I'll be in the middle of surgery 12 hours from now. I have some prep things to do tonight, I still have to keep drinking tons of water until I go to sleep (or until midnight when I can't drink anything anymore)(and let's face it, I won't be sleeping much tonight), I have to get up at 4am to get ready, take my anti-nausea pill. I still need to mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, and finish the last load of laundry.
I can't even read fanfic or watch TV. I cannot pay attention to anything for more than a minute, then I back to obsessing about tomorrow. I'll be so happy when it's over. Even if I am ralphing all over the place.
I have an anti-nausea pill and an anti-nausea patch, but people still often throw up quite a bit the first couple of days after surgery. Not everyone, but enough that it makes me nervous. I hate throwing up (does anyone like it?), but I'm terrified that it'll somehow hurt my new teeny stomach, like it'll spring a leak or something. Ugh.
Honestly, there is a tiny part of me that wonders if I'm doing the right thing. For the post part, I believe this is the best decision, but there's that scared little voice saying, "You've stuck to the pre-op diet so well, you haven't craved carbs, you never once had to talk yourself down from the ledge of ordering a pizza. Just lose the weight on your own!" Sigh.
I know that's not the problem, though. I can lose 50 pounds like a pro. But I can also gain back 70 like an all-star. I need this tool to help me keep it off. The complication risks exist, but they're small. I have a much better chance of developing full-blown diabetes than I do of having a leak.
Still, it's scary. It's 8pm here. If all goes as planned, I'll be in the middle of surgery 12 hours from now. I have some prep things to do tonight, I still have to keep drinking tons of water until I go to sleep (or until midnight when I can't drink anything anymore)(and let's face it, I won't be sleeping much tonight), I have to get up at 4am to get ready, take my anti-nausea pill. I still need to mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, and finish the last load of laundry.
I can't even read fanfic or watch TV. I cannot pay attention to anything for more than a minute, then I back to obsessing about tomorrow. I'll be so happy when it's over. Even if I am ralphing all over the place.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Fear and anxiety
As my surgery day gets closer, it's starting to feel more like a reality. As it starts to feel more like a reality, my fears are bubbling up to the surface. There are two major things causing me anxiety right now.
First, of course, is the fear of surgery itself. The closest I've ever come to surgery is having my wisdom teeth pulled. This is a big deal for me. And really, even though it's out-patient with a short surgical time, it's still a major surgery. They're removing most of my stomach! Complication rates are low, but there's always a risk with surgery.
The other anxiety I'm suffering from right now: What if it doesn't work for me? There's a small percentage of people for whom WLS fails. What if I'm one of those people? When I really think about it, I believe it'll be fine. I don't believe that WLS fails people, so much as people fail at WLS. It's not a magic pill, it's a tool. It is going restrict how much food I eat. I still have to exercise, I still have to pay attention to what and how I eat. There are ways to "eat around" it, but I would have to work at that. I certainly do not plan to do that.
Still, it's a fear I have, and it probably won't go away until I really start losing weight. That being said, when I can get past the anxiety I'm feeling today, I'm very much looking forward to the great things this is going to bring to my life.
On a different note, I have ketosis breath. It's nasty. I can actually smell my own breath at times. I keep rinsing with mouth wash, but it always comes back.
First, of course, is the fear of surgery itself. The closest I've ever come to surgery is having my wisdom teeth pulled. This is a big deal for me. And really, even though it's out-patient with a short surgical time, it's still a major surgery. They're removing most of my stomach! Complication rates are low, but there's always a risk with surgery.
The other anxiety I'm suffering from right now: What if it doesn't work for me? There's a small percentage of people for whom WLS fails. What if I'm one of those people? When I really think about it, I believe it'll be fine. I don't believe that WLS fails people, so much as people fail at WLS. It's not a magic pill, it's a tool. It is going restrict how much food I eat. I still have to exercise, I still have to pay attention to what and how I eat. There are ways to "eat around" it, but I would have to work at that. I certainly do not plan to do that.
Still, it's a fear I have, and it probably won't go away until I really start losing weight. That being said, when I can get past the anxiety I'm feeling today, I'm very much looking forward to the great things this is going to bring to my life.
On a different note, I have ketosis breath. It's nasty. I can actually smell my own breath at times. I keep rinsing with mouth wash, but it always comes back.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Pre-op diet
As I was researching VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy), I saw many different versions of the pre-op liver shrinking diet. The majority of them were some version of an all-liquid or mostly liquid diet. Protein shakes and sugar free jello, two meals of protein shakes and one meal of lean protein and vegetables, some lasted two weeks, some up to four weeks, some allowed only clear liquids for the final three days before surgery.
Mine came with only one restriction: no more than 40g of carbs a day. It hasn't been difficult at all to stick to it. In fact, the only thing that has been difficult is to get in as many calories as I should.
The scale went insane, and I lost nine pounds in the first five days. Crazy! Right around then was when I started to have a hard time getting enough calories, and for about a week, the scale didn't move much-- just a fraction of a pound here and there.
Over the weekend I got my 1200 calories each day, and I'm happy to say I was down another 2.4 pounds this morning. Yay! That's 13.6 pounds I've lost since I started this almost two weeks ago. That is insane for two weeks. Yeah, I know a lot of it is water, but it's fun to see anyway. Too bad I can't trust myself to stick with this for the long haul without the help of a teeny stomach. I could save $20,000 (actually, with all the pre-screenings and PCP visits and prescriptions, there's another $2000 added to that). Unfortunately, my problem is less losing weight than it is keeping it off.
I don't know what sparked the scale to move again. I hate to believe it was getting the calories in, because after surgery it's going to be quite some time before I'll be able to get that many calories in one day. For the first couple of days it'll be almost no calories. Once I work up to full liquids, which should start around the third day after surgery, I'll be lucky to get 500 calories in. I'll only be able to drink/eat around 1/3 of a cup at a time, and I'm sure I'll have to work up to that.
Whatever. I should stop worrying about that. This surgery is a proven weight loss method. I might post more later about my fears there.
Mine came with only one restriction: no more than 40g of carbs a day. It hasn't been difficult at all to stick to it. In fact, the only thing that has been difficult is to get in as many calories as I should.
The scale went insane, and I lost nine pounds in the first five days. Crazy! Right around then was when I started to have a hard time getting enough calories, and for about a week, the scale didn't move much-- just a fraction of a pound here and there.
Over the weekend I got my 1200 calories each day, and I'm happy to say I was down another 2.4 pounds this morning. Yay! That's 13.6 pounds I've lost since I started this almost two weeks ago. That is insane for two weeks. Yeah, I know a lot of it is water, but it's fun to see anyway. Too bad I can't trust myself to stick with this for the long haul without the help of a teeny stomach. I could save $20,000 (actually, with all the pre-screenings and PCP visits and prescriptions, there's another $2000 added to that). Unfortunately, my problem is less losing weight than it is keeping it off.
I don't know what sparked the scale to move again. I hate to believe it was getting the calories in, because after surgery it's going to be quite some time before I'll be able to get that many calories in one day. For the first couple of days it'll be almost no calories. Once I work up to full liquids, which should start around the third day after surgery, I'll be lucky to get 500 calories in. I'll only be able to drink/eat around 1/3 of a cup at a time, and I'm sure I'll have to work up to that.
Whatever. I should stop worrying about that. This surgery is a proven weight loss method. I might post more later about my fears there.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I'm a mess
So many unexpected (no, not unexpected... just... I don't know... just bad, I guess) things have come up for me since I've been going through the process of preparing for weight loss surgery. It's all my fault, though. Before starting this, I hadn't been to a doctor in more years than I care to admit. I can't really complain about the surprises, because if I'd been seeing a doctor, I would have already known about it.
I had very high blood pressure. Not shocking, most overweight people have high blood pressure. But most people also get pills prescribed to take care of it. I didn't, so I had to visit a physician to get a prescription.
My blood test results were awful, too. High overall cholesterol, high LDL, high triglycerides, high glucose (scary pre-diabetes levels). The good news is that nobody seems to be too worried about any of these numbers. If I weren't having surgery they certainly would be, but they have a pretty casual attitude about it saying, "These numbers will come down nicely after surgery."
On the other end, my numbers are low in the things that should be high. I'm severely vitamin D deficient. My nutritionist, whom I love, high-fived me when she saw my vitamin D level and said, "Cool! Lowest I've ever seen!" Heh. They have me on some prescription that's so potent I can only take it twice a week. That's along with a multivitamin that has 200% of the recommended daily allowance. And I take two a day, so that's 400%.
What else? Oh, an irregular heartbeat. Again, they're not too concerned and figure it'll probably go away after I lose some weight. The good news is that everything else looked fine on my ekg.
My surgeon, whom I also love, thinks there's a good possibility that I have a hiatal hernia, which he'll fix during surgery (at no extra cost) since he'll already be in that area. It'll add about 10-15 minutes to the surgery time, so nothing huge.
My hormones are out of whack, which accounts for the lovely chin hair, sideburns, and irregular periods.
My knees and back hurt, I have acid-reflux (some OTC Prilosec has taken care of that)(if it turns out that I have a hiatal hernia, fixing that will help as well), I get out of breath just walking up a flight of stairs (fixing the possible hiatal hernia will help that also), and I'm tired all the time.
So yeah, I'm a mess. The good news is that most of this will be gone (or at least improved) after surgery. Once I made the decision to have surgery, I've never second guessed it. If I do in the next two weeks, I'll have to read this post to remind me of where I'm headed if I don't.
I had very high blood pressure. Not shocking, most overweight people have high blood pressure. But most people also get pills prescribed to take care of it. I didn't, so I had to visit a physician to get a prescription.
My blood test results were awful, too. High overall cholesterol, high LDL, high triglycerides, high glucose (scary pre-diabetes levels). The good news is that nobody seems to be too worried about any of these numbers. If I weren't having surgery they certainly would be, but they have a pretty casual attitude about it saying, "These numbers will come down nicely after surgery."
On the other end, my numbers are low in the things that should be high. I'm severely vitamin D deficient. My nutritionist, whom I love, high-fived me when she saw my vitamin D level and said, "Cool! Lowest I've ever seen!" Heh. They have me on some prescription that's so potent I can only take it twice a week. That's along with a multivitamin that has 200% of the recommended daily allowance. And I take two a day, so that's 400%.
What else? Oh, an irregular heartbeat. Again, they're not too concerned and figure it'll probably go away after I lose some weight. The good news is that everything else looked fine on my ekg.
My surgeon, whom I also love, thinks there's a good possibility that I have a hiatal hernia, which he'll fix during surgery (at no extra cost) since he'll already be in that area. It'll add about 10-15 minutes to the surgery time, so nothing huge.
My hormones are out of whack, which accounts for the lovely chin hair, sideburns, and irregular periods.
My knees and back hurt, I have acid-reflux (some OTC Prilosec has taken care of that)(if it turns out that I have a hiatal hernia, fixing that will help as well), I get out of breath just walking up a flight of stairs (fixing the possible hiatal hernia will help that also), and I'm tired all the time.
So yeah, I'm a mess. The good news is that most of this will be gone (or at least improved) after surgery. Once I made the decision to have surgery, I've never second guessed it. If I do in the next two weeks, I'll have to read this post to remind me of where I'm headed if I don't.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Psych Eval
I've found the pre-op assessments to be interesting so far, but it turns out the psychologist didn't find me to be very interesting. First things first, though.
Before even talking to the psychologist, I had to go through a few tests. One was to determine my current state of mind; the next, I'm pretty sure, was to determine if I'm retarded; the final had a few parts to it, the noticeable ones being whether I'm suicidal, and how closely I follow directions. I guess they want to do all they can to ensure that I'll be successful. If I'm not, I mess up their statistics. I'm happy to report that I'm not suicidal, nor am I retarded, and I have a low risk for failure, according to my test results.
My meeting with the psychologist was pretty short. She asked me about my past, which was when she commented that it wasn't very interesting. Heh. Really, though. My parents are still married to each other, there's no history of alcoholism, drug abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. I've never been divorced nor have a lost a child. I wasn't bullied as a child or suspended from school. I've never served jail time. I'm just a normal, average person, which equaled Dullsville to her. Maybe she was hoping for some traumatic experience to make her job more interesting. I don't know.
The appointment pretty much ended once I told her I had quit smoking cold turkey a few years ago. We talked for 10-15 minutes after that, but she had already made up her mind that I was an excellent candidate and a low failure risk. She kept coming back to the fact that I quit smoking cold turkey any time I expressed any fear of failing. It was a big DUH to her. "You quit smoking COLD TURKEY! OF COURSE you can do this!"
I fear I'm not painting her in a very good light. I don't mean to do that at all. She was helpful and encouraging. Was the appointment worth $375? Small picture, no. Big picture, in which her recommendation gets me one step closer to the surgeon deciding I'm a good candidate? Hell yeah.
I have my meeting with the surgeon on Thursday. I have a million questions that I've written in a notebook so I don't forget any of them. My research on the surgeons at this facility (I'm not sure yet which one will be my primary surgeon) tells me that they are very open and patient with questions, and want to make certain you understand everything before moving forward. That's good to know, because I'm going to have my list of questions in front of me, and don't plan on leaving until they've all been answered.
Tomorrow I'm going to call to find out which surgeon I'll be meeting with as well as what I should expect, and what they expect from me.
Before even talking to the psychologist, I had to go through a few tests. One was to determine my current state of mind; the next, I'm pretty sure, was to determine if I'm retarded; the final had a few parts to it, the noticeable ones being whether I'm suicidal, and how closely I follow directions. I guess they want to do all they can to ensure that I'll be successful. If I'm not, I mess up their statistics. I'm happy to report that I'm not suicidal, nor am I retarded, and I have a low risk for failure, according to my test results.
My meeting with the psychologist was pretty short. She asked me about my past, which was when she commented that it wasn't very interesting. Heh. Really, though. My parents are still married to each other, there's no history of alcoholism, drug abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse. I've never been divorced nor have a lost a child. I wasn't bullied as a child or suspended from school. I've never served jail time. I'm just a normal, average person, which equaled Dullsville to her. Maybe she was hoping for some traumatic experience to make her job more interesting. I don't know.
The appointment pretty much ended once I told her I had quit smoking cold turkey a few years ago. We talked for 10-15 minutes after that, but she had already made up her mind that I was an excellent candidate and a low failure risk. She kept coming back to the fact that I quit smoking cold turkey any time I expressed any fear of failing. It was a big DUH to her. "You quit smoking COLD TURKEY! OF COURSE you can do this!"
I fear I'm not painting her in a very good light. I don't mean to do that at all. She was helpful and encouraging. Was the appointment worth $375? Small picture, no. Big picture, in which her recommendation gets me one step closer to the surgeon deciding I'm a good candidate? Hell yeah.
I have my meeting with the surgeon on Thursday. I have a million questions that I've written in a notebook so I don't forget any of them. My research on the surgeons at this facility (I'm not sure yet which one will be my primary surgeon) tells me that they are very open and patient with questions, and want to make certain you understand everything before moving forward. That's good to know, because I'm going to have my list of questions in front of me, and don't plan on leaving until they've all been answered.
Tomorrow I'm going to call to find out which surgeon I'll be meeting with as well as what I should expect, and what they expect from me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Nutritional Assessment
Well, I don't actually know what type of assessment the nutritionist made, but I think I passed. She mentioned that she would be seeing me a lot in the future, so I'm assuming it's a go.
The time was pretty evenly split between her asking about my eating habits and letting me know how I will eat after the surgery. She did a lot of probing to find out if I'm a binge eater. I am not. I'm more of a grazer. That actually ended up being a good thing. The sleeve surgery doesn't work well for bingers, because they can end up over-stuffing and getting sick or even popping staples if they go too overboard.
Overall it was both comfortable and horrifying. We sat at a round table and just talked about eating habits, expectations, willingness to work for it, things like that. She introduced me to how I would eat after the surgery, what was most important in my post-op diet (protein!), products that will help me to get in all the protein I need, approximate meal size... things like that. That was the comfortable part.
The horrifying part was weighing and measuring me. Bleh. I weighed myself before going, and I've been doing weekly weigh-ins for the past couple of months, so the number wasn't a surprise to me. I just didn't love sharing that number with someone. But she is the one who will be tracking my progress after surgery, so she had to know. Still. Horrifying.
Surprisingly, when I asked if I should be doing any special diet right now, she said no. I'll eventually go on a low carb diet for two weeks before my surgery, which is standard to shrink the liver, but before then it was almost like, "Live it up while you can!" Not really. She did mention that if I lose weight before the surgery, it makes it easier for the surgeon, but there was no calorie or fat counting program she recommended.
All in all, it was fairly interesting. I didn't say anything stupid or fall or break the scale, so yay!
The time was pretty evenly split between her asking about my eating habits and letting me know how I will eat after the surgery. She did a lot of probing to find out if I'm a binge eater. I am not. I'm more of a grazer. That actually ended up being a good thing. The sleeve surgery doesn't work well for bingers, because they can end up over-stuffing and getting sick or even popping staples if they go too overboard.
Overall it was both comfortable and horrifying. We sat at a round table and just talked about eating habits, expectations, willingness to work for it, things like that. She introduced me to how I would eat after the surgery, what was most important in my post-op diet (protein!), products that will help me to get in all the protein I need, approximate meal size... things like that. That was the comfortable part.
The horrifying part was weighing and measuring me. Bleh. I weighed myself before going, and I've been doing weekly weigh-ins for the past couple of months, so the number wasn't a surprise to me. I just didn't love sharing that number with someone. But she is the one who will be tracking my progress after surgery, so she had to know. Still. Horrifying.
Surprisingly, when I asked if I should be doing any special diet right now, she said no. I'll eventually go on a low carb diet for two weeks before my surgery, which is standard to shrink the liver, but before then it was almost like, "Live it up while you can!" Not really. She did mention that if I lose weight before the surgery, it makes it easier for the surgeon, but there was no calorie or fat counting program she recommended.
All in all, it was fairly interesting. I didn't say anything stupid or fall or break the scale, so yay!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Trials of organization
Last night I got the brilliant idea that I needed a binder to keep all my weight loss surgery (WLS from here on out) information organized. I've got things for the nutrition portion, psych, exercise, surgeon, pre-op, and post-op. Too much to keep organized without a binder. I also realized that I needed a printer so I could print stuff to put in my binder.
I was out bright and early to make my way to Staples. Fun! I found an inexpensive all-in-one printer/copier/scanner, which was more than I really needed, but there's no such thing as just a printer anymore, at least not at Staples. I also bought some regular and three-hole paper, binder clips, paper clips. a notebook, pens, post-its, manila folders, and binder tabs/separators. It really was a joy. I like shopping for stuff like that.
I started setting up the printer right away when I got home. I first had to clear off a spot for it on my desk, which was no simple task, but it wasn't that bad. I got the printer set up with no major issues, and all that was left was installing the software on my laptop. That should be the easiest part. It was not.
For some stupid reason (eventually I realized that stupid reason's name is Vista), it wouldn't read the CD. I kept trying and trying, but nothing. This made me unhappy. I started to lose it. Words were shouted. "Motherfuckingcocksuckingbastardsonofabitchpieceofshit! FUCKING WORK ALREADY!" Then came the tears. "All I want out of life is to put a binder together to keep my information organized, but NOOOOOOOOOO. I can't even get the damned CD to work. Why can't one thing ever go right for me?" Yes, I realize I was a bit melodramatic. It was a moment. Not a proud moment, mind you, but a moment.
I finally took a few deep breaths and visited the website of the printer's maker. Good choice. They had the info there on what I needed to do to get it to work with Vista, and I had to download the drivers from the site. Things were looking up.
Then I tried to print something. *sigh* It wasn't the end of the world or anything, but the three-hole paper doesn't work properly in this printer. If I put it in the wrong way, it prints just fine, but the holes are on the wrong side. When I put it in so the holes are on the correct side, it jams. Or at least it claims to be jammed. What really happens is that the paper is shoved through without printing, but it says it's jammed. Grrrr.
I found that I can go into print setup and have it rotate 180 degrees when it prints, which isn't such a big deal, but why the heck can't it just take the paper so the holes are on the correct side in the first place? Sheesh!
The good news is that I now have my different forms and other info printed, and I'm ready to put it all in The Binder, which is exciting.
That's my story for today. Tomorrow I visit the nutritionist.
I was out bright and early to make my way to Staples. Fun! I found an inexpensive all-in-one printer/copier/scanner, which was more than I really needed, but there's no such thing as just a printer anymore, at least not at Staples. I also bought some regular and three-hole paper, binder clips, paper clips. a notebook, pens, post-its, manila folders, and binder tabs/separators. It really was a joy. I like shopping for stuff like that.
I started setting up the printer right away when I got home. I first had to clear off a spot for it on my desk, which was no simple task, but it wasn't that bad. I got the printer set up with no major issues, and all that was left was installing the software on my laptop. That should be the easiest part. It was not.
For some stupid reason (eventually I realized that stupid reason's name is Vista), it wouldn't read the CD. I kept trying and trying, but nothing. This made me unhappy. I started to lose it. Words were shouted. "Motherfuckingcocksuckingbastardsonofabitchpieceofshit! FUCKING WORK ALREADY!" Then came the tears. "All I want out of life is to put a binder together to keep my information organized, but NOOOOOOOOOO. I can't even get the damned CD to work. Why can't one thing ever go right for me?" Yes, I realize I was a bit melodramatic. It was a moment. Not a proud moment, mind you, but a moment.
I finally took a few deep breaths and visited the website of the printer's maker. Good choice. They had the info there on what I needed to do to get it to work with Vista, and I had to download the drivers from the site. Things were looking up.
Then I tried to print something. *sigh* It wasn't the end of the world or anything, but the three-hole paper doesn't work properly in this printer. If I put it in the wrong way, it prints just fine, but the holes are on the wrong side. When I put it in so the holes are on the correct side, it jams. Or at least it claims to be jammed. What really happens is that the paper is shoved through without printing, but it says it's jammed. Grrrr.
I found that I can go into print setup and have it rotate 180 degrees when it prints, which isn't such a big deal, but why the heck can't it just take the paper so the holes are on the correct side in the first place? Sheesh!
The good news is that I now have my different forms and other info printed, and I'm ready to put it all in The Binder, which is exciting.
That's my story for today. Tomorrow I visit the nutritionist.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Drumroll
It's been awhile, I know, but I've made my decision. Before I get to my decision, here's what I've been up to. There's not a big story or anything. I've just been researching the surgery options as well as the facilities in the area and the different costs. The cost didn't vary much from place to place. $20,000 is the norm. The couple of places that were a few thousand dollars less didn't have as much follow-up built into the pricing, so I would end up paying in the end anyway. So, after a lot of online research and a few seminars for different facilities, here's what I've come up with.
I'm getting the vertical sleeve gastrectomy. Factors that went into my decision include rate of complications, side effects, and necessary follow-up. The lap band is the least invasive procedure with the lowest probability of complications during or immediately after the surgery, but I've read too many horror stories of longer term complications, with the band slipping or eroding, needing adjustments, fills... not for me. The gastric bypass has the quickest weight loss, because it's both restrictive and malabsorptive (the sleeve and lap band are restrictive only), but there's a hospital stay involved, and side effects that you don't really consider until you do your research. You need to take more supplements because you don't absorb most of the nutrients you take in, and there's a higher likelihood of things like hair loss. Again, not for me. I think the sleeve gastrectomy is the best option. It's not without risks, complications, or side effects, but nothing is. I had to choose what's best for me.
I've also decided where I'm getting it done. I chose the facility and surgeon based on several factors, including complication statistics, satisfaction of other patients, the out-patient option, and the follow-up included in the cost. I have my first consultation with the surgeon on Oct. 1st. Before then I have nutritional and psych evals. That oughta be interesting, particularly the psych one. I wonder what types of questions they'll ask. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
It's all starting to feel real to me now, and it's exciting. I never thought I could get excited over something like this, but it's increasingly feeling like the only option. I've been eating right and exercising pretty regularly for the past month and a half, and I've lost 14 pounds, but that doesn't seem like enough, and my downfall is always impatience. The surgery will help me to lose the weight faster and keep me from saying "fuck it" and eating a bag of Funyons.
So that's where I am. I need to talk to my friend about the financing, and he needs to have some questions answered about liability, and I think that's the only thing that could hold this up. Other than that, the ball is rolling and I'm looking forward to finding the new me.
I'm getting the vertical sleeve gastrectomy. Factors that went into my decision include rate of complications, side effects, and necessary follow-up. The lap band is the least invasive procedure with the lowest probability of complications during or immediately after the surgery, but I've read too many horror stories of longer term complications, with the band slipping or eroding, needing adjustments, fills... not for me. The gastric bypass has the quickest weight loss, because it's both restrictive and malabsorptive (the sleeve and lap band are restrictive only), but there's a hospital stay involved, and side effects that you don't really consider until you do your research. You need to take more supplements because you don't absorb most of the nutrients you take in, and there's a higher likelihood of things like hair loss. Again, not for me. I think the sleeve gastrectomy is the best option. It's not without risks, complications, or side effects, but nothing is. I had to choose what's best for me.
I've also decided where I'm getting it done. I chose the facility and surgeon based on several factors, including complication statistics, satisfaction of other patients, the out-patient option, and the follow-up included in the cost. I have my first consultation with the surgeon on Oct. 1st. Before then I have nutritional and psych evals. That oughta be interesting, particularly the psych one. I wonder what types of questions they'll ask. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
It's all starting to feel real to me now, and it's exciting. I never thought I could get excited over something like this, but it's increasingly feeling like the only option. I've been eating right and exercising pretty regularly for the past month and a half, and I've lost 14 pounds, but that doesn't seem like enough, and my downfall is always impatience. The surgery will help me to lose the weight faster and keep me from saying "fuck it" and eating a bag of Funyons.
So that's where I am. I need to talk to my friend about the financing, and he needs to have some questions answered about liability, and I think that's the only thing that could hold this up. Other than that, the ball is rolling and I'm looking forward to finding the new me.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
24 Hours Later
I still haven't made up my mind. I guess I shouldn't get too impatient with myself. This is a life-altering decision. I don't have to make it in a day.
I believe that if I do go through with it, I'll get the sleeve. Of course, after consulting with the surgeon, that may change, but that's what I'm leaning towards. I'm definitely at least going to the first clinic to get some more information. I'm about 75-25 in favor of surgery right now. It's scary, it'll change many things about my life, but what the hell am I clinging to, anyway? Barring unforseen complications, the good will far outweigh the bad.
Next step: fill out an online medical history thingy that they need before they set me up for my first appointment.
I believe that if I do go through with it, I'll get the sleeve. Of course, after consulting with the surgeon, that may change, but that's what I'm leaning towards. I'm definitely at least going to the first clinic to get some more information. I'm about 75-25 in favor of surgery right now. It's scary, it'll change many things about my life, but what the hell am I clinging to, anyway? Barring unforseen complications, the good will far outweigh the bad.
Next step: fill out an online medical history thingy that they need before they set me up for my first appointment.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Weight Loss Surgery Seminar
Well, it wasn't what I expected, though it makes sense that it was what it was. The seminar was put on by a specific hospital, so of course it was all about why I should choose them to do my surgery. There was a brief explanation of the most common types of weight loss surgery, but for the most part it was "here's why we're the best."
Actually, at first it was "here's why surgery is a good option." And they did their job very well, totally selling me on the concept. Very early on the surgeon made his argument for why choosing the surgical route isn't failure, so either he read my entry from earlier today, or I'm not the only one who feels that way. His presentation made sense to me, his statistics showing why it's the only proven way to go made sense to me, hell he even did a pretty good job at convincing me he's the best man for the job. If he's as good a surgeon as he is a salesman, I would be in very good hands.
What this didn't do is help me to decide which procedure would be best for me, which is what I was hoping would happen. In fact, he said they generally go with whatever your gut instinct is on what you want, though of course if you ask he'll give his opinion on what he thinks is best.
It did help me to rule out the lap band, which is funny, because that seemed to be what they were pushing most. It's the least invasive, which is certainly a bonus, but it requires the most follow-up. You have to keep going in for adjustments. It's also the slowest in terms of weight loss. Typically it takes 2-3 years to lose what you would in about a year with the gastric bypass or the sleeve.
I'm glad I went, but I'm not closer to a decision now than I was yesterday. Ugh.
Actually, at first it was "here's why surgery is a good option." And they did their job very well, totally selling me on the concept. Very early on the surgeon made his argument for why choosing the surgical route isn't failure, so either he read my entry from earlier today, or I'm not the only one who feels that way. His presentation made sense to me, his statistics showing why it's the only proven way to go made sense to me, hell he even did a pretty good job at convincing me he's the best man for the job. If he's as good a surgeon as he is a salesman, I would be in very good hands.
What this didn't do is help me to decide which procedure would be best for me, which is what I was hoping would happen. In fact, he said they generally go with whatever your gut instinct is on what you want, though of course if you ask he'll give his opinion on what he thinks is best.
It did help me to rule out the lap band, which is funny, because that seemed to be what they were pushing most. It's the least invasive, which is certainly a bonus, but it requires the most follow-up. You have to keep going in for adjustments. It's also the slowest in terms of weight loss. Typically it takes 2-3 years to lose what you would in about a year with the gastric bypass or the sleeve.
I'm glad I went, but I'm not closer to a decision now than I was yesterday. Ugh.
What to do?
After an open and honest talk with my friend the other night, I've decided to consider weight loss surgery. I'm going to a seminar this evening to get information on the different options to see which one, if any, is right for me.
This is a huge step, as I've always been hung up on losing weight on my own. There's a part of me that feels like I've failed (there's that word again) if I get surgery. Other people do it without surgery, why shouldn't I be able to do it, too? But I've been trying, off and on, for ten years now, and yes, I've lost some weight in there, but I've always gained it back and then some. I'm failing anyway, so I may as well fail in a different way that gives me a better chance at succeeding, right? And isn't the statistic that something like 90% of people who lose weight by dieting gain it all back within five years? Wouldn't the life change that comes with surgery make it more likely for me too keep it off? It almost seems like the obvious choice.
If only it were that simple. There's more to this decision for me. I have no health insurance, nor do I have the cash lying around to pay outright for the surgery as well as the tests, checkups, et cetera that go with it. What I do have, however, is a friend-- the same friend who convinced me that I should at the very least consider the surgery option-- who has offered to loan me the money to pay for it. Beyond that, he offered to go to consultations with me and help me out however he can. And he's enthusiastic and encouraging. I know, right? How fucking lucky am I to have a friend who is willing and able to help me this way? There's another whole post about this somewhere along the line.
That being said, I honestly don't know if I can do it. I checked out the the estimated cost of the different surgeries without insurance to cover any of the costs, and it's $18,000-$35,000. Holy shit. It makes me almost barf just thinking about borrowing that much, no matter how many times I'm told that the money isn't an issue.
So. Tonight I see my options and at least start thinking about whether surgery is the right option for me. If I decide that it is, then I move on to the next step- deciding whether I can go through with borrowing the money for it.
This is a huge step, as I've always been hung up on losing weight on my own. There's a part of me that feels like I've failed (there's that word again) if I get surgery. Other people do it without surgery, why shouldn't I be able to do it, too? But I've been trying, off and on, for ten years now, and yes, I've lost some weight in there, but I've always gained it back and then some. I'm failing anyway, so I may as well fail in a different way that gives me a better chance at succeeding, right? And isn't the statistic that something like 90% of people who lose weight by dieting gain it all back within five years? Wouldn't the life change that comes with surgery make it more likely for me too keep it off? It almost seems like the obvious choice.
If only it were that simple. There's more to this decision for me. I have no health insurance, nor do I have the cash lying around to pay outright for the surgery as well as the tests, checkups, et cetera that go with it. What I do have, however, is a friend-- the same friend who convinced me that I should at the very least consider the surgery option-- who has offered to loan me the money to pay for it. Beyond that, he offered to go to consultations with me and help me out however he can. And he's enthusiastic and encouraging. I know, right? How fucking lucky am I to have a friend who is willing and able to help me this way? There's another whole post about this somewhere along the line.
That being said, I honestly don't know if I can do it. I checked out the the estimated cost of the different surgeries without insurance to cover any of the costs, and it's $18,000-$35,000. Holy shit. It makes me almost barf just thinking about borrowing that much, no matter how many times I'm told that the money isn't an issue.
So. Tonight I see my options and at least start thinking about whether surgery is the right option for me. If I decide that it is, then I move on to the next step- deciding whether I can go through with borrowing the money for it.
Who I am
I know it's a totally cliché thing to say, but I'm at a crossroads. Or a fork in the road. Something like that. I've hit my low by hitting my high. I've never been heavier than I am right now. That's a lie. I was heavier a month ago when I decided I needed to do something. But things are all relative, and relative to my weight? I'm not much lighter than I was a month ago. Every little bit counts and all that bullshit, but I'm not completely satisfied with my trajectory.
Sure, I've made some changes. I'm eating better, moving a little bit more. I don't know that it's enough. The moving part is difficult. My back aches, my knees fucking kill (Dear Fitness DVD Experts, Fat people can't do lunges without terrorizing their knees.) and I have the endurance of a chicken in flight. I want to do more, but at the moment, there are too many things that I can't do.
I want. I want to be thinner, I want to be healthier, I want to be successful. You gotta want it! That's what they say, right? Hmph. I agree with the sentiment, but it's an incomplete thought. Wanting it is a start, but I've wanted it for the past 10+ years, yet here I am. You have to put in effort. Have I done that in the past? Eh. Sometimes. But not nearly enough or I wouldn't be at the bottom of this canyon, struggling to climb up with very little to grasp.
How did I get down here, anyway? It's simple, really. I'm an avoider. Before a month ago, I hadn't really looked at myself in years. I am a master at selected sight. I can look at my face in the mirror and see only the parts rather than the whole. I can look in a full-length mirror and only see my eyes. If I don't look at the rest, it doesn't exist. If I don't wear jeans, I don't have to know what size I need. If I don't step on a scale, I don't have to know how much I weigh. If I don't lose the weight, I don't have to find out if I would still be living the same unenviable life in a different body.
That's the crux of it. Abject fear of failure with a heaping side of inferiority complex and almost no self-esteem. If I don't try, I can't suffer the humiliation of failure. And so the irony, of course, is that my fear of failure has caused me to become a failure. 37 years old, overweight, unemployed, alone. Not completely alone. I have great friends and a wonderful family. But until yesterday when I gained custody of a cat in my friends' divorce, I didn't even come home to a plant.
Whatever.
So here I am, steering my way toward the right path, but with a precarious grasp on the wheel. Is it enough? What if I hit a pothole? Fall down? Encounter too steep a hill? Will I fail again? Will I be able to pick myself up if I do? What about this fork I've reached? Will I choose the right prong?
I have a decision to make. I'm not good at making decisions. At all. I couldn't even make a decision on what was the better night to go out last weekend, how the fuck can I decide on something so crucial? What if I choose wrong? Ugh. I am a mental case. I need to do more thinking, some research. Then I really need to make a decision.
Right now, I choose to go to sleep.
Sure, I've made some changes. I'm eating better, moving a little bit more. I don't know that it's enough. The moving part is difficult. My back aches, my knees fucking kill (Dear Fitness DVD Experts, Fat people can't do lunges without terrorizing their knees.) and I have the endurance of a chicken in flight. I want to do more, but at the moment, there are too many things that I can't do.
I want. I want to be thinner, I want to be healthier, I want to be successful. You gotta want it! That's what they say, right? Hmph. I agree with the sentiment, but it's an incomplete thought. Wanting it is a start, but I've wanted it for the past 10+ years, yet here I am. You have to put in effort. Have I done that in the past? Eh. Sometimes. But not nearly enough or I wouldn't be at the bottom of this canyon, struggling to climb up with very little to grasp.
How did I get down here, anyway? It's simple, really. I'm an avoider. Before a month ago, I hadn't really looked at myself in years. I am a master at selected sight. I can look at my face in the mirror and see only the parts rather than the whole. I can look in a full-length mirror and only see my eyes. If I don't look at the rest, it doesn't exist. If I don't wear jeans, I don't have to know what size I need. If I don't step on a scale, I don't have to know how much I weigh. If I don't lose the weight, I don't have to find out if I would still be living the same unenviable life in a different body.
That's the crux of it. Abject fear of failure with a heaping side of inferiority complex and almost no self-esteem. If I don't try, I can't suffer the humiliation of failure. And so the irony, of course, is that my fear of failure has caused me to become a failure. 37 years old, overweight, unemployed, alone. Not completely alone. I have great friends and a wonderful family. But until yesterday when I gained custody of a cat in my friends' divorce, I didn't even come home to a plant.
Whatever.
So here I am, steering my way toward the right path, but with a precarious grasp on the wheel. Is it enough? What if I hit a pothole? Fall down? Encounter too steep a hill? Will I fail again? Will I be able to pick myself up if I do? What about this fork I've reached? Will I choose the right prong?
I have a decision to make. I'm not good at making decisions. At all. I couldn't even make a decision on what was the better night to go out last weekend, how the fuck can I decide on something so crucial? What if I choose wrong? Ugh. I am a mental case. I need to do more thinking, some research. Then I really need to make a decision.
Right now, I choose to go to sleep.
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