What to do?

After an open and honest talk with my friend the other night, I've decided to consider weight loss surgery.  I'm going to a seminar this evening to get information on the different options to see which one, if any, is right for me.

This is a huge step, as I've always been hung up on losing weight on my own.  There's a part of me that feels like I've failed (there's that word again) if I get surgery.  Other people do it without surgery, why shouldn't I be able to do it, too?  But I've been trying, off and on, for ten years now, and yes, I've lost some weight in there, but I've always gained it back and then some.  I'm failing anyway, so I may as well fail in a different way that gives me a better chance at succeeding, right?  And isn't the statistic that something like 90% of people who lose weight by dieting gain it all back within five years?  Wouldn't the life change that comes with surgery make it more likely for me too keep it off?  It almost seems like the obvious choice.

If only it were that simple.  There's more to this decision for me.  I have no health insurance, nor do I have the cash lying around to pay outright for the surgery as well as the tests, checkups, et cetera that go with it.  What I do have, however, is a friend-- the same friend who convinced me that I should at the very least consider the surgery option-- who has offered to loan me the money to pay for it.  Beyond that, he offered to go to consultations with me and help me out however he can.  And he's enthusiastic and encouraging.  I know, right?  How fucking lucky am I to have a friend who is willing and able to help me this way?  There's another whole post about this somewhere along the line.

That being said, I honestly don't know if I can do it.  I checked out the the estimated cost of the different surgeries without insurance to cover any of the costs, and it's $18,000-$35,000.  Holy shit.  It makes me almost barf just thinking about borrowing that much, no matter how many times I'm told that the money isn't an issue. 

So.  Tonight I see my options and at least start thinking about whether surgery is the right option for me.  If I decide that it is, then I move on to the next step- deciding whether I can go through with borrowing the money for it.