So yeah. I'm panicking a little. Scared about the surgery, nervous the anesthesiologist won't clear me for surgery, afraid I'll be the 1% who has complications, and this may sound trivial compared to the other things, but I have vomit anxiety.
I have an anti-nausea pill and an anti-nausea patch, but people still often throw up quite a bit the first couple of days after surgery. Not everyone, but enough that it makes me nervous. I hate throwing up (does anyone like it?), but I'm terrified that it'll somehow hurt my new teeny stomach, like it'll spring a leak or something. Ugh.
Honestly, there is a tiny part of me that wonders if I'm doing the right thing. For the post part, I believe this is the best decision, but there's that scared little voice saying, "You've stuck to the pre-op diet so well, you haven't craved carbs, you never once had to talk yourself down from the ledge of ordering a pizza. Just lose the weight on your own!" Sigh.
I know that's not the problem, though. I can lose 50 pounds like a pro. But I can also gain back 70 like an all-star. I need this tool to help me keep it off. The complication risks exist, but they're small. I have a much better chance of developing full-blown diabetes than I do of having a leak.
Still, it's scary. It's 8pm here. If all goes as planned, I'll be in the middle of surgery 12 hours from now. I have some prep things to do tonight, I still have to keep drinking tons of water until I go to sleep (or until midnight when I can't drink anything anymore)(and let's face it, I won't be sleeping much tonight), I have to get up at 4am to get ready, take my anti-nausea pill. I still need to mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, and finish the last load of laundry.
I can't even read fanfic or watch TV. I cannot pay attention to anything for more than a minute, then I back to obsessing about tomorrow. I'll be so happy when it's over. Even if I am ralphing all over the place.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
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