I still haven't made up my mind. I guess I shouldn't get too impatient with myself. This is a life-altering decision. I don't have to make it in a day.
I believe that if I do go through with it, I'll get the sleeve. Of course, after consulting with the surgeon, that may change, but that's what I'm leaning towards. I'm definitely at least going to the first clinic to get some more information. I'm about 75-25 in favor of surgery right now. It's scary, it'll change many things about my life, but what the hell am I clinging to, anyway? Barring unforseen complications, the good will far outweigh the bad.
Next step: fill out an online medical history thingy that they need before they set me up for my first appointment.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Weight Loss Surgery Seminar
Well, it wasn't what I expected, though it makes sense that it was what it was. The seminar was put on by a specific hospital, so of course it was all about why I should choose them to do my surgery. There was a brief explanation of the most common types of weight loss surgery, but for the most part it was "here's why we're the best."
Actually, at first it was "here's why surgery is a good option." And they did their job very well, totally selling me on the concept. Very early on the surgeon made his argument for why choosing the surgical route isn't failure, so either he read my entry from earlier today, or I'm not the only one who feels that way. His presentation made sense to me, his statistics showing why it's the only proven way to go made sense to me, hell he even did a pretty good job at convincing me he's the best man for the job. If he's as good a surgeon as he is a salesman, I would be in very good hands.
What this didn't do is help me to decide which procedure would be best for me, which is what I was hoping would happen. In fact, he said they generally go with whatever your gut instinct is on what you want, though of course if you ask he'll give his opinion on what he thinks is best.
It did help me to rule out the lap band, which is funny, because that seemed to be what they were pushing most. It's the least invasive, which is certainly a bonus, but it requires the most follow-up. You have to keep going in for adjustments. It's also the slowest in terms of weight loss. Typically it takes 2-3 years to lose what you would in about a year with the gastric bypass or the sleeve.
I'm glad I went, but I'm not closer to a decision now than I was yesterday. Ugh.
Actually, at first it was "here's why surgery is a good option." And they did their job very well, totally selling me on the concept. Very early on the surgeon made his argument for why choosing the surgical route isn't failure, so either he read my entry from earlier today, or I'm not the only one who feels that way. His presentation made sense to me, his statistics showing why it's the only proven way to go made sense to me, hell he even did a pretty good job at convincing me he's the best man for the job. If he's as good a surgeon as he is a salesman, I would be in very good hands.
What this didn't do is help me to decide which procedure would be best for me, which is what I was hoping would happen. In fact, he said they generally go with whatever your gut instinct is on what you want, though of course if you ask he'll give his opinion on what he thinks is best.
It did help me to rule out the lap band, which is funny, because that seemed to be what they were pushing most. It's the least invasive, which is certainly a bonus, but it requires the most follow-up. You have to keep going in for adjustments. It's also the slowest in terms of weight loss. Typically it takes 2-3 years to lose what you would in about a year with the gastric bypass or the sleeve.
I'm glad I went, but I'm not closer to a decision now than I was yesterday. Ugh.
What to do?
After an open and honest talk with my friend the other night, I've decided to consider weight loss surgery. I'm going to a seminar this evening to get information on the different options to see which one, if any, is right for me.
This is a huge step, as I've always been hung up on losing weight on my own. There's a part of me that feels like I've failed (there's that word again) if I get surgery. Other people do it without surgery, why shouldn't I be able to do it, too? But I've been trying, off and on, for ten years now, and yes, I've lost some weight in there, but I've always gained it back and then some. I'm failing anyway, so I may as well fail in a different way that gives me a better chance at succeeding, right? And isn't the statistic that something like 90% of people who lose weight by dieting gain it all back within five years? Wouldn't the life change that comes with surgery make it more likely for me too keep it off? It almost seems like the obvious choice.
If only it were that simple. There's more to this decision for me. I have no health insurance, nor do I have the cash lying around to pay outright for the surgery as well as the tests, checkups, et cetera that go with it. What I do have, however, is a friend-- the same friend who convinced me that I should at the very least consider the surgery option-- who has offered to loan me the money to pay for it. Beyond that, he offered to go to consultations with me and help me out however he can. And he's enthusiastic and encouraging. I know, right? How fucking lucky am I to have a friend who is willing and able to help me this way? There's another whole post about this somewhere along the line.
That being said, I honestly don't know if I can do it. I checked out the the estimated cost of the different surgeries without insurance to cover any of the costs, and it's $18,000-$35,000. Holy shit. It makes me almost barf just thinking about borrowing that much, no matter how many times I'm told that the money isn't an issue.
So. Tonight I see my options and at least start thinking about whether surgery is the right option for me. If I decide that it is, then I move on to the next step- deciding whether I can go through with borrowing the money for it.
This is a huge step, as I've always been hung up on losing weight on my own. There's a part of me that feels like I've failed (there's that word again) if I get surgery. Other people do it without surgery, why shouldn't I be able to do it, too? But I've been trying, off and on, for ten years now, and yes, I've lost some weight in there, but I've always gained it back and then some. I'm failing anyway, so I may as well fail in a different way that gives me a better chance at succeeding, right? And isn't the statistic that something like 90% of people who lose weight by dieting gain it all back within five years? Wouldn't the life change that comes with surgery make it more likely for me too keep it off? It almost seems like the obvious choice.
If only it were that simple. There's more to this decision for me. I have no health insurance, nor do I have the cash lying around to pay outright for the surgery as well as the tests, checkups, et cetera that go with it. What I do have, however, is a friend-- the same friend who convinced me that I should at the very least consider the surgery option-- who has offered to loan me the money to pay for it. Beyond that, he offered to go to consultations with me and help me out however he can. And he's enthusiastic and encouraging. I know, right? How fucking lucky am I to have a friend who is willing and able to help me this way? There's another whole post about this somewhere along the line.
That being said, I honestly don't know if I can do it. I checked out the the estimated cost of the different surgeries without insurance to cover any of the costs, and it's $18,000-$35,000. Holy shit. It makes me almost barf just thinking about borrowing that much, no matter how many times I'm told that the money isn't an issue.
So. Tonight I see my options and at least start thinking about whether surgery is the right option for me. If I decide that it is, then I move on to the next step- deciding whether I can go through with borrowing the money for it.
Who I am
I know it's a totally cliché thing to say, but I'm at a crossroads. Or a fork in the road. Something like that. I've hit my low by hitting my high. I've never been heavier than I am right now. That's a lie. I was heavier a month ago when I decided I needed to do something. But things are all relative, and relative to my weight? I'm not much lighter than I was a month ago. Every little bit counts and all that bullshit, but I'm not completely satisfied with my trajectory.
Sure, I've made some changes. I'm eating better, moving a little bit more. I don't know that it's enough. The moving part is difficult. My back aches, my knees fucking kill (Dear Fitness DVD Experts, Fat people can't do lunges without terrorizing their knees.) and I have the endurance of a chicken in flight. I want to do more, but at the moment, there are too many things that I can't do.
I want. I want to be thinner, I want to be healthier, I want to be successful. You gotta want it! That's what they say, right? Hmph. I agree with the sentiment, but it's an incomplete thought. Wanting it is a start, but I've wanted it for the past 10+ years, yet here I am. You have to put in effort. Have I done that in the past? Eh. Sometimes. But not nearly enough or I wouldn't be at the bottom of this canyon, struggling to climb up with very little to grasp.
How did I get down here, anyway? It's simple, really. I'm an avoider. Before a month ago, I hadn't really looked at myself in years. I am a master at selected sight. I can look at my face in the mirror and see only the parts rather than the whole. I can look in a full-length mirror and only see my eyes. If I don't look at the rest, it doesn't exist. If I don't wear jeans, I don't have to know what size I need. If I don't step on a scale, I don't have to know how much I weigh. If I don't lose the weight, I don't have to find out if I would still be living the same unenviable life in a different body.
That's the crux of it. Abject fear of failure with a heaping side of inferiority complex and almost no self-esteem. If I don't try, I can't suffer the humiliation of failure. And so the irony, of course, is that my fear of failure has caused me to become a failure. 37 years old, overweight, unemployed, alone. Not completely alone. I have great friends and a wonderful family. But until yesterday when I gained custody of a cat in my friends' divorce, I didn't even come home to a plant.
Whatever.
So here I am, steering my way toward the right path, but with a precarious grasp on the wheel. Is it enough? What if I hit a pothole? Fall down? Encounter too steep a hill? Will I fail again? Will I be able to pick myself up if I do? What about this fork I've reached? Will I choose the right prong?
I have a decision to make. I'm not good at making decisions. At all. I couldn't even make a decision on what was the better night to go out last weekend, how the fuck can I decide on something so crucial? What if I choose wrong? Ugh. I am a mental case. I need to do more thinking, some research. Then I really need to make a decision.
Right now, I choose to go to sleep.
Sure, I've made some changes. I'm eating better, moving a little bit more. I don't know that it's enough. The moving part is difficult. My back aches, my knees fucking kill (Dear Fitness DVD Experts, Fat people can't do lunges without terrorizing their knees.) and I have the endurance of a chicken in flight. I want to do more, but at the moment, there are too many things that I can't do.
I want. I want to be thinner, I want to be healthier, I want to be successful. You gotta want it! That's what they say, right? Hmph. I agree with the sentiment, but it's an incomplete thought. Wanting it is a start, but I've wanted it for the past 10+ years, yet here I am. You have to put in effort. Have I done that in the past? Eh. Sometimes. But not nearly enough or I wouldn't be at the bottom of this canyon, struggling to climb up with very little to grasp.
How did I get down here, anyway? It's simple, really. I'm an avoider. Before a month ago, I hadn't really looked at myself in years. I am a master at selected sight. I can look at my face in the mirror and see only the parts rather than the whole. I can look in a full-length mirror and only see my eyes. If I don't look at the rest, it doesn't exist. If I don't wear jeans, I don't have to know what size I need. If I don't step on a scale, I don't have to know how much I weigh. If I don't lose the weight, I don't have to find out if I would still be living the same unenviable life in a different body.
That's the crux of it. Abject fear of failure with a heaping side of inferiority complex and almost no self-esteem. If I don't try, I can't suffer the humiliation of failure. And so the irony, of course, is that my fear of failure has caused me to become a failure. 37 years old, overweight, unemployed, alone. Not completely alone. I have great friends and a wonderful family. But until yesterday when I gained custody of a cat in my friends' divorce, I didn't even come home to a plant.
Whatever.
So here I am, steering my way toward the right path, but with a precarious grasp on the wheel. Is it enough? What if I hit a pothole? Fall down? Encounter too steep a hill? Will I fail again? Will I be able to pick myself up if I do? What about this fork I've reached? Will I choose the right prong?
I have a decision to make. I'm not good at making decisions. At all. I couldn't even make a decision on what was the better night to go out last weekend, how the fuck can I decide on something so crucial? What if I choose wrong? Ugh. I am a mental case. I need to do more thinking, some research. Then I really need to make a decision.
Right now, I choose to go to sleep.
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